Treatment and Counseling by Will Martindale
We now provide treatment and counseling for individuals (and their affected family members) afflicted with the obsessive/compulsive disorders related to the antique bottle acquisition addiction.
For many years we have seen the effects of these disorders wreak havoc on families and individuals, even though recognition of the illness within the mental health community has only recently been forthcoming. To date, psychiatric professionals have recognized the following specific disorders related to the disease:
1) AOD (acquisitional obsession disorder)
This extremely destructive disorder is often thought to be the root cause of most all related disorders. Similar to the effects of gambling or alcoholism, the victim is obsessed with the acquisition of a particular bottle or group of bottles and exhibits compulsive behaviors toward this end. Sufferers have been known to lie, cheat or steal, empty savings accounts and harass former friends or collectors in the pursuit of the object(s) of their obsession.
2)Manic-Depressive Auction Anxiety
Characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows, this disorder can be traced to the auction activities both on eBay and at the major antique bottle auctions. Victims display wild exhilaration at the prospect of acquiring a desirable bottle, followed by anxiety and despair when outbid. After a short period of reconciliation, this process can repeat itself several times, until a given auction ends. In some cases, this period can be followed by post-auction depression.
3)PSC (post-sniping catatonia)
A specific malady following the final few moments of an eBay auction, whereby the sufferer is exhilarated at the prospect of winning a rare and desirable bottle at below market value, only to have it "sniped" away in the last 20 seconds by a stealth bidder or "sniper". Victims have been known to stare blankly at their computer monitors in a catatonic trance for days following this activity.
4)Millicoddophobia
Though not as destructive as the aforementioned maladies, sufferers display apathy and moodiness at the prospect of having to sell a rare mineral water (in order to pay for their addiction) and have an acute fear of having their auction listing appear buried in the middle of five pages of British Codds. If this happens, victim displays the same symptoms as post-sniping catatonia.
5)Bottle Envy
Similar to penis-envy, though not gender specific, this malady presents itself among collectors who feel they have acquired the best possible example of a specific bottle, only to learn that someone else has acquired an example in a rare color or unlisted mold variation in equal or better condition. Bottle envy can be the precursor to a more advanced stage of AOD.
6)Digger's Frenzy
A psychotic disorder similar to alcoholic "binging". Victims disappear for weekends at a time, converging at some secret location where a large hole is dug and then filled back in, in what appears to be a shared psychotic ritual. The afflicted return home with severe back pain--often unable to resume work on Monday. In some cases, victims are incarcerated for trespassing. In rare instances, antique bottles are derived from this activity, but bottle envy can ensue due to disagreements over "first pick".
Dr. Emil Schoefhausen of the AOD Clinic in Gainesville, FL. "Treatment is conditional upon forfeiture only."Obviously, this is an incomplete list of the problems associated with the hobby, and the list grows daily.
Fortunately, through a grant funded in part by the F.S.U. School of Psychiatric Medicine, we have at our disposal the nationally recognized expert in AOD Therapy and Treatment, Doctor Emil Schoefhausen, of the AOD clinic in Gainesville, Florida. Dr. Schoefhausen has been assigned to administer online therapy through the Bottle Den Chat Room on an appointment basis for the remainder of the year.
As with all psychiatric disorders, treatment can only be administered upon acceptance of and admission of the problem. The next critical step to recovery, is "total forfeiture" of all bottles and bottle related items. Says Dr. Schoefhausen, "the cathartic effect of complete forfeiture has been shown to be so successful in the treatment of AOD, that patients will only be accepted when this important first step has already been taken."
In an effort to further this cause, and in conjunction with the Institute, the Bottle Den will be warehousing the former collections of the afflicted on a continual basis. You should carefully wrap each of the offending articles in bubble wrap and ship them to:
The Bottle Den34127 Venice Park Road
Delafield/Summit, Wisconsin
53018
As with alcohol or tobacco addiction, we realize that in some cases the act of forfeiture may be difficult, and that is why we encourage the spouses or other affected family members to initiate this all important first step (if the victim is unable to). So often, it is the loved ones of the afflicted who suffer the tragic affects of AOD even more so than the afflicted.
We urge you to put an end to the misery now and begin the healing.
Julie M*** of Hartland, Wisconsin writes to us, "As I carefully wrapped each of Peter's rare clay beer bottles in bubble wrap, I could feel a great weight being lifted off my shoulders. Now that his collection is gone, we can spend quality time together. Thank You, Bottle Den !"
Says Sara ***bey of South Milwaukee, Wisconsin "I was so disgusted with Bob's bottle infatuation and uncontrolled spending that I was tempted to smash them all. But as I gently wrapped each of his rare colored Hutchinson, I felt a cathartic and peaceful mood wash over me. I'm sure he'll come to understand the wisdom of my decision. God Bless You, Dr. Schoefhausen, and many thanks to the Bottle Den."
Again, our shipping address is:
The Bottle Den
34127 Venice Park Road
Delafield/Summit, Wisconsin
53018
Act now, before it's too late !
Obviously, the "article" above is an attempt at bottle collecting humor. The facts and names are purely fictitious, though you may find a bit of truth in them. I'm sure that site visitors will recognize and send us more descriptive "disorders" for future publication. And . . . If you still want to send me your rare antique bottles, call or email me for my real address--I will accept them. -Wil
